truth/beauty/love

I take the idea that God is love very seriously. I have this idea that we have God-sensors — that love draws us, like truth and beauty do. [When I say "God is love" I'm actually equating love with truth or beauty, so it's all one: truth/beauty/love. That's my story, for now. Go with it for a minute?]

So anyway, I’ve spent a bunch of time thinking about whether un-truth is really in keeping with my values. Do I have to tell white lies? Do I have to compromise, or can I really base my life on love(/truth/beauty) as I see it?

Another assumption I live by: if God is real, I don’t have to compromise. Or maybe my not compromising lets God be real? That stuff is all fuzzy, but (leaving aside emergency situations for now) I’m thinking that in my intention to relax into a life of love & grace, I want to tell the truth.

I figure that means I’m going to have to look at the places where truth looks like it’s in conflict with beauty. Or with love.

Truth vs. Beauty

Since my heart was telling me that there is beauty in truth, and vice versa, I thought I’d try always telling the truth. I found myself wanting to say things like “Wow, you are a jerk,” and “Well, that was stupid.”

I guess that the Radical Honesty guy encourages that kind of honesty. But it didn’t work for me, because saying those things didn’t satisfy the original intention, which was to reach toward beauty, toward love. A disconnect was forming in my mind.

Fast forward several years… the path has led me through some interesting twists, but mostly, it’s led me to learn something about empathy, which makes a huge difference. It’s also led me to a new way of seeing my judgment(*), and suddenly, saying “you are a jerk” doesn’t look so much like telling the truth.

There are some truths I’m pretty clear about in the outside world, because I can see them. I’m comfortable “telling the truth” by saying “that’s a tree.” I might be wrong, if it’s off in the distance, and somebody might help me improve on it, but it’s an attempt at telling the truth I’m happy with.

But those kinds of truths are pretty easy to agree on. They aren’t controversial. (If you’re into NVC you might call these “observations”.)

When I tell myself I’m “telling the truth” and it creates pain or quarrels, though, that’s when I have to wonder if I’m labeling the outside world to avoid looking at something inside me.

“you are” versus “i am”

When I find myself saying “you are a jerk” (and I still have that tendency), I sense a disconnect with the love/truth/beauty I value so much. (Or if I don’t sense it right off, I might get help from someone’s body language, yelling, or violence. When I get punched in the face, I have an opportunity to sense the disconnect!)

I figure I must be missing something. I look deeper.

What I usually end up finding is what Marshall Rosenberg has called “a tragic expression of an unmet need.” That is, “you are a jerk” actually points to some pain I’m carrying. Like maybe “I’m scared when you say that, because I have this idea you don’t care about me, that I can’t trust you to help me, and I’ve really been hoping for help.” Or it might mean something else, but whatever it is will point to some very human longing for a treasure that isn’t controversial at all. Even the person I thought was a jerk can agree that it’s “the truth”.

When I can do that, I think truth & beauty & love are lined back up in my heart. I think I’m living according to my values and intentions.

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* This labeling of the outside world (of “you” as “jerk” or “that” as “stupid”) is what I call judgment. More about that here: Judgment and Discernment. The more my habits of judgment fall away, the more serenity & joy I experience. Not only that, but the times when I’m experiencing anything but serenity & joy, I notice I’m also experiencing judgment, and mistaking it for truth.

Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

Judge Not?

The advice to not judge resonated with me, but then I also heard messages that said we can’t get by without judgment. How would we choose vanilla or chocolate? How would we decide what job to look for? How would we know who to trust? How would we keep from doing evil?!

Knowing right from wrong is vital, isn’t it?

Discernment

I’ve been told that discernment is just judgment that’s well thought out, and correct. But as I’ve struggled to understand what it would mean to live free of judgment, I’ve found I see discernment differently.

Judgment is focused outside me. It’s me saying what’s wrong and right, good and bad out in the world. It’s almost like I’m declaring what I believe to be the heart of the world.

On the other hand, discernment is about knowing my own heart. I call it discernment when I’m figuring out what I value, what I love, what I choose.

Distinguishing discernment from judgment

When I’m discerning (as I use the word) I have an open, loving heart, never anger or sneering or exasperation. While discernment may lead me to avoid someone who is dangerous, for example, it won’t lead me to hate them. While it may lead me to question their ideas, it won’t lead me to make fun of them.

What seems to work for me is thinking of discernment as something that applies to *me* and my choices. I can check in with myself and see if a particular action is something I want to do, or not. (And that can be a lot of work, sometimes.)

If it’s about something that I’ve already done, or something that someone else is going to do (and isn’t asking my help in deciding), then it seems like judgment to me, and I prefer to leave that to God.

There’s nothing wrong with you.

This is something that I’ve gotten a bit of flack for saying. So I’m going to flesh it out a little.

When I let go of judgment, I let go of labeling things in the world as “wrong” or as out of alignment with the heart of reality, with the heart of God. When I consider something, I can find it out of alignment with the heart of me, of course. That’s how I know whether it’s what I want. But out alignment with God or reality, that just doesn’t make any sense to me. And it doesn’t have to. I get to leave that stuff to God.

And do the best I can, in each moment, to pay attention and follow love. Doing the best I can. Just like you, and everybody else.

“Winning” an argument

Sometimes, I get so caught up in my own opinions that I start arguing, as though all I want in the world is to be proven right. But yikes! That’s not actually what I want. What I want is real connections with people, loving connections, and also to learn things! My arguing doesn’t get me those things…

When I remember this, sometimes I’m able to converse a different way, and avoid those conversations that turn into pain-cycles and disconnection.

Then, I take an approach of curiosity instead of coming from a place of thinking I already know what matters. And what I’m curious about is two things: what’s most important to me in the moment, and what’s most important to the other person.

This is not a skill I learned overnight. In fact, after years of work, I’m still learning it. But maybe I can at least describe it a little bit, just in case you’re wondering, sometimes, what the heck I’m on about.

What’s important to me

When I find myself saying “You’re wrong!” or “How could he say such a thing!” or “What an ass”, I realize that something is really important to me right then. Maybe the person’s “wrong” about how early we should leave for an appointment, or which political party should win an election, or how best to eat to promote health. Whatever the topic, there’s something in my heart that’s wanting my attention.

So if I approach my own heart with curiosity about what’s happening inside me, I wonder: Am I excited, having looked forward to the appointment for a long time? Or am I wanting to avoid rushing, and thinking we have plenty of time to get there? Maybe I am sad and scared about the war, and really wanting it to end soon? Something real and human is happening inside me, and if I know what it is, I feel calmer, and more able to be curious about the other person’s heart.

What’s important to the other person

Once I know what’s in my heart, I can turn the angry “How could he say such a thing” into a curious “How could he say that?” “What might she be feeling & thinking?” or “What’s most important to them here?”

Sometimes when I ask these questions, I’m astounded by the answers. Maybe he’s afraid for his safety. Maybe she’s wanting to be respected. Maybe they’re wanting to feel their hard work isn’t wasted. All these things are things I can hear, and understand.

And right at this moment…

Right at this moment, I’m writing this post because I want to connect with you. I want to flesh out some (maybe) obscure things I’ve said on twitter. This way of listening to myself and others has transformed my life and what it means for me to hear “love your neighbor as yourself.” I don’t want to preach, but I do want to share what I love, especially with my friends, and folks I care about.

So now I’m curious about you, and your reaction to hearing this. Any thoughts you’d care to share?

There are certain ways of seeing the world that I just find juicy, delightful, delicious. The “person centered” idea from Carl Rogers is one. His stuff is mostly about psychotherapy, but this is about more than that. Hang in with me, and you’ll find it’s about relationships instead. As with most of what I talk about, in the end, it’s about the power of love.

The thing is, I’m convinced it’s actually possible to love my neighbor, love my “enemies”. Not just possible; it’s one of my favorite things, to love every person I have the opportunity to know.

And I imagine some folks are wondering whether I’m full of crap, or whether it might just be possible. I hope to begin answering that question here, though I think it will take more than one post to answer fully.

Kinds of Relationships

Most of the following is about what Carl Rogers called “therapeutic relationships” — for me, that means when I’m acting as a spiritual mentor, or in a chaplain role with some folks who live outside, who are addicted, or others who are hurting — any supportive relationships where a skill imbalance means it’s not about mutual support.

But I don’t think the imbalance of skill is key. I also want my mutually-supportive relationships — my friendships — to be therapeutic in that sense (for both people). I want these relationships to be healing relationships. I want to entrust the people close to me with the care of my soul, my heart. I want to grow. And in those relationships, sometimes I am in the role of “therapist” and sometimes in the role of “client.”

Carl Rogers (1902-1987) was a pioneer in psychology. Instead of “patients” in need of being fixed, he saw people as “clients” who would like to change things about their lives. The aims we reach for are our own. We don’t need “experts” to tell us how we should be, but rather, we need an environment conducive to reaching toward our potential. (No small thing!)

Three Ways to Love

Rogers said there are three things that someone in a therapist role can bring to a relationship that will make it possible for change to happen in the person seeking it.

Being Real

This means… openly being the feelings and attitudes that are flowing within at the moment.

The person in the therapist role is bringing their real self into the relationship. They’re not putting on an act. If they feel something, they don’t try to hide it, or try to “act professional.” If they have needs, they just say so.

…therapist makes himself or herself transparent to the client; the client can see right through what the therapist is in the relationship; the client experiences no holding back on the part of the therapist…

That doesn’t mean the therapist has to divulge everything, but that “there is a close matching between what is being experienced at the gut level, what is present in awareness, and what is expressed to the client.”

When I am hanging out with someone who is drunk and “homeless”, it can mean the difference between playing along if someone pretends to be on the wagon, and saying “but I saw you with a beer a few minutes ago.”

With a little kid who says they didn’t take something that they’re holding behind their back, it means not pretending I don’t know the toy is there, if I do. And if I can just acknowledge reality, I don’t feel the need to confront or yell about it. I can just be there in the reality we are both experiencing.

Unconditional Caring & Affection

Rogers calls this “unconditional positive regard.” It means having “a positive, acceptant attitude toward whatever the client is at that moment”, without judgement, disapproval, even “approval.” It means seeing the beauty, the aliveness, in the other person, and honoring that.

The therapist is willing for the client to be whatever immediate feeling is going on — confusion, resentment, fear, anger, courage, love, or pride.

Unconditional means that the person in the therapist, or supportive, role does not have an agenda for who the friend or client is in that moment.

Such caring on the part of the therapist is nonpossessive. The therapist prizes the client in a total rather than a conditional way.

Empathy

Empathic listening and understanding means sensing what the other person is experiencing, and recognizing it as a human experience. It means noticing what kind of experience the person is describing, and communicating that understanding. It means seeing things from the perspective of the friend/client, so that it becomes possible to express understanding of feelings and desires they’re already aware of, but also to help clarify “even those just below the level of awareness.”

We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.

Oh, no problem then.

Ok, so saying “it’s possible to love everyone, all you need is unconditional caring” doesn’t really help much. I’m hoping to go more into that later.

But mostly I wanted to write this because, first, this whole approach to people just curls my toes, I love it so much. I love it. It makes me happy! Like springtime!

And second, because it’s like a secret I keep. It feels like such a big part of me that I wanna share it! I mean, this is my life. I want the world to know it.

When my friends don’t know this about me, I’m lonely. Friendships where this is out in the open feel richer, juicier.

Questions?

My dream is to share love in the world, and this is what I think love looks like. If you have questions or arguments or whatever, I’d love to hear them. It will help me to become better able to talk about this thing that I love. I would very much appreciate it — bring it on!