truth/beauty/love

I take the idea that God is love very seriously. I have this idea that we have God-sensors — that love draws us, like truth and beauty do. [When I say "God is love" I'm actually equating love with truth or beauty, so it's all one: truth/beauty/love. That's my story, for now. Go with it for a minute?]

So anyway, I’ve spent a bunch of time thinking about whether un-truth is really in keeping with my values. Do I have to tell white lies? Do I have to compromise, or can I really base my life on love(/truth/beauty) as I see it?

Another assumption I live by: if God is real, I don’t have to compromise. Or maybe my not compromising lets God be real? That stuff is all fuzzy, but (leaving aside emergency situations for now) I’m thinking that in my intention to relax into a life of love & grace, I want to tell the truth.

I figure that means I’m going to have to look at the places where truth looks like it’s in conflict with beauty. Or with love.

Truth vs. Beauty

Since my heart was telling me that there is beauty in truth, and vice versa, I thought I’d try always telling the truth. I found myself wanting to say things like “Wow, you are a jerk,” and “Well, that was stupid.”

I guess that the Radical Honesty guy encourages that kind of honesty. But it didn’t work for me, because saying those things didn’t satisfy the original intention, which was to reach toward beauty, toward love. A disconnect was forming in my mind.

Fast forward several years… the path has led me through some interesting twists, but mostly, it’s led me to learn something about empathy, which makes a huge difference. It’s also led me to a new way of seeing my judgment(*), and suddenly, saying “you are a jerk” doesn’t look so much like telling the truth.

There are some truths I’m pretty clear about in the outside world, because I can see them. I’m comfortable “telling the truth” by saying “that’s a tree.” I might be wrong, if it’s off in the distance, and somebody might help me improve on it, but it’s an attempt at telling the truth I’m happy with.

But those kinds of truths are pretty easy to agree on. They aren’t controversial. (If you’re into NVC you might call these “observations”.)

When I tell myself I’m “telling the truth” and it creates pain or quarrels, though, that’s when I have to wonder if I’m labeling the outside world to avoid looking at something inside me.

“you are” versus “i am”

When I find myself saying “you are a jerk” (and I still have that tendency), I sense a disconnect with the love/truth/beauty I value so much. (Or if I don’t sense it right off, I might get help from someone’s body language, yelling, or violence. When I get punched in the face, I have an opportunity to sense the disconnect!)

I figure I must be missing something. I look deeper.

What I usually end up finding is what Marshall Rosenberg has called “a tragic expression of an unmet need.” That is, “you are a jerk” actually points to some pain I’m carrying. Like maybe “I’m scared when you say that, because I have this idea you don’t care about me, that I can’t trust you to help me, and I’ve really been hoping for help.” Or it might mean something else, but whatever it is will point to some very human longing for a treasure that isn’t controversial at all. Even the person I thought was a jerk can agree that it’s “the truth”.

When I can do that, I think truth & beauty & love are lined back up in my heart. I think I’m living according to my values and intentions.

—–
* This labeling of the outside world (of “you” as “jerk” or “that” as “stupid”) is what I call judgment. More about that here: Judgment and Discernment. The more my habits of judgment fall away, the more serenity & joy I experience. Not only that, but the times when I’m experiencing anything but serenity & joy, I notice I’m also experiencing judgment, and mistaking it for truth.

“Winning” an argument

Sometimes, I get so caught up in my own opinions that I start arguing, as though all I want in the world is to be proven right. But yikes! That’s not actually what I want. What I want is real connections with people, loving connections, and also to learn things! My arguing doesn’t get me those things…

When I remember this, sometimes I’m able to converse a different way, and avoid those conversations that turn into pain-cycles and disconnection.

Then, I take an approach of curiosity instead of coming from a place of thinking I already know what matters. And what I’m curious about is two things: what’s most important to me in the moment, and what’s most important to the other person.

This is not a skill I learned overnight. In fact, after years of work, I’m still learning it. But maybe I can at least describe it a little bit, just in case you’re wondering, sometimes, what the heck I’m on about.

What’s important to me

When I find myself saying “You’re wrong!” or “How could he say such a thing!” or “What an ass”, I realize that something is really important to me right then. Maybe the person’s “wrong” about how early we should leave for an appointment, or which political party should win an election, or how best to eat to promote health. Whatever the topic, there’s something in my heart that’s wanting my attention.

So if I approach my own heart with curiosity about what’s happening inside me, I wonder: Am I excited, having looked forward to the appointment for a long time? Or am I wanting to avoid rushing, and thinking we have plenty of time to get there? Maybe I am sad and scared about the war, and really wanting it to end soon? Something real and human is happening inside me, and if I know what it is, I feel calmer, and more able to be curious about the other person’s heart.

What’s important to the other person

Once I know what’s in my heart, I can turn the angry “How could he say such a thing” into a curious “How could he say that?” “What might she be feeling & thinking?” or “What’s most important to them here?”

Sometimes when I ask these questions, I’m astounded by the answers. Maybe he’s afraid for his safety. Maybe she’s wanting to be respected. Maybe they’re wanting to feel their hard work isn’t wasted. All these things are things I can hear, and understand.

And right at this moment…

Right at this moment, I’m writing this post because I want to connect with you. I want to flesh out some (maybe) obscure things I’ve said on twitter. This way of listening to myself and others has transformed my life and what it means for me to hear “love your neighbor as yourself.” I don’t want to preach, but I do want to share what I love, especially with my friends, and folks I care about.

So now I’m curious about you, and your reaction to hearing this. Any thoughts you’d care to share?

There are certain ways of seeing the world that I just find juicy, delightful, delicious. The “person centered” idea from Carl Rogers is one. His stuff is mostly about psychotherapy, but this is about more than that. Hang in with me, and you’ll find it’s about relationships instead. As with most of what I talk about, in the end, it’s about the power of love.

The thing is, I’m convinced it’s actually possible to love my neighbor, love my “enemies”. Not just possible; it’s one of my favorite things, to love every person I have the opportunity to know.

And I imagine some folks are wondering whether I’m full of crap, or whether it might just be possible. I hope to begin answering that question here, though I think it will take more than one post to answer fully.

Kinds of Relationships

Most of the following is about what Carl Rogers called “therapeutic relationships” — for me, that means when I’m acting as a spiritual mentor, or in a chaplain role with some folks who live outside, who are addicted, or others who are hurting — any supportive relationships where a skill imbalance means it’s not about mutual support.

But I don’t think the imbalance of skill is key. I also want my mutually-supportive relationships — my friendships — to be therapeutic in that sense (for both people). I want these relationships to be healing relationships. I want to entrust the people close to me with the care of my soul, my heart. I want to grow. And in those relationships, sometimes I am in the role of “therapist” and sometimes in the role of “client.”

Carl Rogers (1902-1987) was a pioneer in psychology. Instead of “patients” in need of being fixed, he saw people as “clients” who would like to change things about their lives. The aims we reach for are our own. We don’t need “experts” to tell us how we should be, but rather, we need an environment conducive to reaching toward our potential. (No small thing!)

Three Ways to Love

Rogers said there are three things that someone in a therapist role can bring to a relationship that will make it possible for change to happen in the person seeking it.

Being Real

This means… openly being the feelings and attitudes that are flowing within at the moment.

The person in the therapist role is bringing their real self into the relationship. They’re not putting on an act. If they feel something, they don’t try to hide it, or try to “act professional.” If they have needs, they just say so.

…therapist makes himself or herself transparent to the client; the client can see right through what the therapist is in the relationship; the client experiences no holding back on the part of the therapist…

That doesn’t mean the therapist has to divulge everything, but that “there is a close matching between what is being experienced at the gut level, what is present in awareness, and what is expressed to the client.”

When I am hanging out with someone who is drunk and “homeless”, it can mean the difference between playing along if someone pretends to be on the wagon, and saying “but I saw you with a beer a few minutes ago.”

With a little kid who says they didn’t take something that they’re holding behind their back, it means not pretending I don’t know the toy is there, if I do. And if I can just acknowledge reality, I don’t feel the need to confront or yell about it. I can just be there in the reality we are both experiencing.

Unconditional Caring & Affection

Rogers calls this “unconditional positive regard.” It means having “a positive, acceptant attitude toward whatever the client is at that moment”, without judgement, disapproval, even “approval.” It means seeing the beauty, the aliveness, in the other person, and honoring that.

The therapist is willing for the client to be whatever immediate feeling is going on — confusion, resentment, fear, anger, courage, love, or pride.

Unconditional means that the person in the therapist, or supportive, role does not have an agenda for who the friend or client is in that moment.

Such caring on the part of the therapist is nonpossessive. The therapist prizes the client in a total rather than a conditional way.

Empathy

Empathic listening and understanding means sensing what the other person is experiencing, and recognizing it as a human experience. It means noticing what kind of experience the person is describing, and communicating that understanding. It means seeing things from the perspective of the friend/client, so that it becomes possible to express understanding of feelings and desires they’re already aware of, but also to help clarify “even those just below the level of awareness.”

We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.

Oh, no problem then.

Ok, so saying “it’s possible to love everyone, all you need is unconditional caring” doesn’t really help much. I’m hoping to go more into that later.

But mostly I wanted to write this because, first, this whole approach to people just curls my toes, I love it so much. I love it. It makes me happy! Like springtime!

And second, because it’s like a secret I keep. It feels like such a big part of me that I wanna share it! I mean, this is my life. I want the world to know it.

When my friends don’t know this about me, I’m lonely. Friendships where this is out in the open feel richer, juicier.

Questions?

My dream is to share love in the world, and this is what I think love looks like. If you have questions or arguments or whatever, I’d love to hear them. It will help me to become better able to talk about this thing that I love. I would very much appreciate it — bring it on!

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly. (From The Gospel According to Matthew, chapter 11)

This isn’t the message I get from much of the Christian world. But wow! Isn’t it beautiful?

There’s nothing to fear in this message. If you’re paying attention to ideas that are heavy or ill-fitting, if a path fills your heart with loathing or dread, what you’re seeing isn’t God. God is love.

You’re welcome.

:)

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart
will certainly be wrung
and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact,
you must give your heart
to no one, not even
to an animal.

Wrap it carefully round with hobbies
and little luxuries;

avoid all entanglements;

lock it up safe
in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket
—safe, dark, motionless, airless—
it will change.

It will not be broken;
it will become unbreakable,
impenetrable,
irredeemable.

—C. S. Lewis

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn’t make any sense. ” — Rumi

As soon as we mention God, or Jesus (or, for that matter, Buddha) people want to know what we’re about. They want to know “what we believe.”

“Remember: the buddha-dharma is about seeing, not about believing.” — Steve Hagen, Buddhism Plain and Simple

“Remember: the jesus-dharma is about loving, not about believing.” — The Radical Love Project

If you’re looking for something like the Nicene Creed, I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed. We don’t subscribe to a list of “beliefs” that we think grant us some special status. We do have some ideas we think stand up to criticism. We like reaching for an understanding of how reality works, but we don’t reach for certainty, and we don’t think anyone else has to agree with us or else.

• The Source.

  We are in awe of divine power, the creator, the source of peace.

• God within.

  We reach for an awareness of God’s presence within us, and we find it in Jesus, the living Christ, who shows us the way.

• Grace.

  We are excited by the light of unconditional love and infinite grace, and we are serious about forgiveness. We’re called to love with a radical, scandalous dedication. In every single moment, we are called to honesty, compassion, and awareness.

God’s world is full of beauty and knowledge and love, and we appreciate those things wherever we find them.

• From Zen, we’ve learned the importance of a quiet mind, and the role of attachment, opposition, and delusion. We’ve learned how it might be possible to follow the advice of Jesus, “Judge not.”
• From Non-Violent Communication, we’ve learned how to love by listening with empathy.
• From Conal Elliott, we’ve learned that heart-connection doesn’t come from managing how we communicate; it’s about finding an empathetic, loving place from which to speak what’s true.
• From James Dennert, we’ve been inspired by the idea that religious and spiritual knowledge need not be tied to belief.
• From Heart of Now, we’ve learned to fully accept where we are in every moment.

We hope this gives you a good idea of where we’re coming from. If you have more curiosity about what we’re doing or thinking, we invite you to talk with us. If you’d like us to understand what’s most important to you, we’re happy to listen.

We’ll happily talk about those things, but we don’t spend much time in debate. We’re more interested in practice.

Is it any wonder people don’t know how to look inside themselves and find out what they truly believe is the way, the thing to do?

You are created in the image of God. If you don’t like the name “God”, let me put it another way. You represent the infinite beauty of this universe. You have the capacity to love, to hope, to give life to another. You have the ability to figure out exciting ideas, to create works of art, to love a child.

You decide where to point your attention, and you notice what is to your liking and what isn’t. You can lean in the direction of beauty and life, or in the direction of things that bring some form of satisfaction, but in the end, leave you empty. You, in the image of God (or in the image of good, if you prefer) are creator, lover, spark of the divine fire.

Your ability to choose is a huge part of this divine nature you carry around. It needs to be treasured, honored, not circumvented at every turn.

our brother loved your choosing

Jesus is often seen as threatening: “Repent or else!” But I see him as giving us a loving warning, instead: “Choose life, or suffer.” (For more on this see the post repent or burn.) When someone asked “What must I do to inherit the kingdom?” he responded with what can only be seen as the advice of a teacher. Follow the commandments (love God with everything you’ve got & love your neighbor as yourself) and you’ve done it. When asked “Who is my neighbor?” he told a story about how someone else had chosen to act in a particular moment, faced with a particular situation. He didn’t say “Here are the hoops you must jump through. Say these magic words, write a check, and you’re in.” In fact, I figure “Love God with all your heart, all your mind and all your spirit” is all about choosing, discerning. It’s your heart, your mind he’s asking for. Not your teachers, your stern father’s, your pastor’s.

so i can do whatever i want?

Sure you can. The trick is to listen for what you really want. Paul said some things that scare me, but many things I really love. One of those is his talk about how “everything is permissible” doesn’t mean everything is a good idea.

But the really cool thing is that without freedom, we miss out on all kinds of beautiful possibilities. Think back to the story of the Samaritan. He is walking and finds someone along the side of the road who has been beaten, robbed, and left for dead. Two upstanding citizens have walked by and not helped the man. They followed the rules, but they didn’t follow their hearts. The Samaritan broke the rules. He was probably late for an appointment as a result. He was dirty, and spent money to help the guy that was intended for some other purpose.

It’s not about being “allowed” to choose; you don’t need anybody’s permission. It’s more about this: Though it includes the risk that we will do stupid things, it’s the choosing that allows for the possibility of our doing beautiful things.

Your freedom is an amazing thing. It can create worlds of beauty. It allows you to decide to pursue love at any cost, to really follow the tugging in your heart that’s a call to follow the Source.

don’t let me tell you what to do

No one knows what’s in your heart but you and your Higher Power. Nobody. Nobody knows what costs you would bear if you were to give up smoking or drinking. No one knows whether you are “too lazy to clean your house” or you actually clean enough to cause your arthritis to flare. Nobody has access to the factors you must use to make every little decision in your life. That means nobody can tell you what you should do.

Nobody can tell you that you’re “too fat” or “too lazy” or “too busy” or “too lukewarm” or whatever.

You might decide you want to do something differently. You might take our Brother’s advice to change your ways, to love more, give more, do more. But it will be you (with the guidance of your Higher Power and whoever you choose to consult with) who makes that decision.

my prayer

May I remember, when I’m tempted to judge someone’s choices, that I don’t know their heart, that I haven’t walked in their shoes. May I honor their choices, nurture their freedom, provide loving support for their process of discernment. Maybe I remember that my job is just to love, not to fix. Amen.

I talked about this before in a post called repent or burn <cough, gag>. Someone decided, when translating a certain group of authority-approved books about our religious history, to use words like “repent” and “sin” and “savior”.

When you translate, you choose words appropriate to the time and place you’re in. They should be words that are in general use. In King James’ time, you’d call someone who saved a kid from drowning a “savior”. But now-a-days, we think “savior” means something magic and weird. If you’re curious, here’s my understanding of what those words really mean. “Repent” would be better translated “change your approach”, “sin” actually means “screw up”, and “savior” would better be called “rescuer”.

Right now I’m thinking of “scripture.” That word means “words that are written down.” Whoop-de-do! Just like “Bible” means… get this… “book.”

Jesus didn’t talk in magic-language. He didn’t want to hold up a system of code-words that kept people separate from God. He used the a word like “kingdom” because “kingdoms” made sense to people. When’s the last time you set foot in a “kingdom”?

I imagine that by the word that became “kingdom”, Jesus meant a world where God was present, fully involved, where God’s will carries the day. That we can look around a see a new environment, a new world that belongs to God and where we, as sparks of the divine fire, can be truly ourselves.

The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me.

And I’ve been thinking about some folks I know. And a guy who was given $100,000, and six months later was homeless again.

Some of the folks I know are literally transient. They live a camping lifestyle, travelling from town to town, visiting national forests when they can. Others stay in one town for a long time, but really seem to crave freedom. If that’s true, and especially if some folks (note: some) choose to live outside, free of monthly obligations like rent and utilities, does that mean we don’t have to worry about them?

Crossan, by the way, says (at least in the “Blessed are the poor” verses) the word is more accurately translated as “destitute”–not just poor people living paycheck to paycheck, but people who have nothing but the clothes on their back.

If those people will always be with us, maybe the answer isn’t that we don’t have to worry about them, but that we get to include them. Maybe a place where it’s expected that the poor will be with us is a city where it’s not illegal to pitch a tent, or even to create a whole city of tents on unused land. Maybe a place where it’s expected could be friendly to the folks who live outside, happily encouraging those who like to share, instead of outlawing “unauthorized feeds”. Maybe parks for all citizens would spring up, with sleeping benches included as a matter of course.

What do you think?

“On the outside, it can sometimes appear that these “emerging churches” are just as orthodox as any other Bible-believing church. Online doctrinal statements and many sermons will sound no different from a Bible-based church. But more often than not when the outer layers are peeled back from these “emerging churches,” a mystical-based, kingdom-now, panentheistic view of “God” is revealed.

And I have to say it looks to me much like it looks to these guys: Churches do try to hide the truth of what they believe in an effort not to offend old-school Christians. They *do* put up statements of faith that imply that they’re just regular old-fashioned “Bible-believing” Christians. And I think it’s sad.

I keep hearing leaders say “I’m not saying I don’t agree with substitutionary atonement, I’m just asking…” or “Of course I affirm the Nicene Creed, I’m just saying…” They are dancing around the truth because they don’t want to push away fellow Christians. But what about the rest of the world?

The secular world is my world, an I am telling y’all that they are not going to come to Christianity as long as they think it’s about a God who longs to burn people for all eternity, or any other weird, illogical theology.

I am deeply in love with the emergent church, and grateful to Jonathan Brink, and to Tony Jones, Rob Bell, Brian McLaren, and others for the honest things they’ve said.

But you’re all still only seeing Christians. You’re not speaking to the rest of us, for whom the dogma is just silliness. Those doctrines kept me away for so long. And when I was finally able to see the possibilities, it was because I dug and dug, and overlooked weird things like “I’m not saying substitutionary atonement is wrong…”

Just for the record OF COURSE IT’S WRONG. The idea that God demanded blood as payment for our sins is silly, and any God that worked that way would be unworthy of worship. There. I said it.

Jesus didn’t come here to die as payment for anything. I could go on all day about how that makes no sense at all, but I won’t. Because what’s much more interesting is why he did come here.

Jesus came here to LIVE with us, to BE among us, and to SHARE the good news of God’s love and God’s kingdom with us. Why did he have to die? Because that’s what it means to be human. We all die. Some earlier, some later. Some by “natural causes” and some because of the stupidity of other humans. But we all die.

The reason he died the way he did is because that the most loving thing he could do right then, with those people. He gave himself to show us the way.