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Person Centered Loving
There are certain ways of seeing the world that I just find juicy, delightful, delicious. The “person centered” idea from Carl Rogers is one. His stuff is mostly about psychotherapy, but this is about more than that. Hang in with me, and you’ll find it’s about relationships instead. As with most of what I talk about, in the end, it’s about the power of love.
The thing is, I’m convinced it’s actually possible to love my neighbor, love my “enemies”. Not just possible; it’s one of my favorite things, to love every person I have the opportunity to know.
And I imagine some folks are wondering whether I’m full of crap, or whether it might just be possible. I hope to begin answering that question here, though I think it will take more than one post to answer fully.
Kinds of Relationships
Most of the following is about what Carl Rogers called “therapeutic relationships” — for me, that means when I’m acting as a spiritual mentor, or in a chaplain role with some folks who live outside, who are addicted, or others who are hurting — any supportive relationships where a skill imbalance means it’s not about mutual support.
But I don’t think the imbalance of skill is key. I also want my mutually-supportive relationships — my friendships — to be therapeutic in that sense (for both people). I want these relationships to be healing relationships. I want to entrust the people close to me with the care of my soul, my heart. I want to grow. And in those relationships, sometimes I am in the role of “therapist” and sometimes in the role of “client.”
Carl Rogers (1902-1987) was a pioneer in psychology. Instead of “patients” in need of being fixed, he saw people as “clients” who would like to change things about their lives. The aims we reach for are our own. We don’t need “experts” to tell us how we should be, but rather, we need an environment conducive to reaching toward our potential. (No small thing!)
Three Ways to Love
Rogers said there are three things that someone in a therapist role can bring to a relationship that will make it possible for change to happen in the person seeking it.
Being Real
This means… openly being the feelings and attitudes that are flowing within at the moment.
The person in the therapist role is bringing their real self into the relationship. They’re not putting on an act. If they feel something, they don’t try to hide it, or try to “act professional.” If they have needs, they just say so.
…therapist makes himself or herself transparent to the client; the client can see right through what the therapist is in the relationship; the client experiences no holding back on the part of the therapist…
That doesn’t mean the therapist has to divulge everything, but that “there is a close matching between what is being experienced at the gut level, what is present in awareness, and what is expressed to the client.”
When I am hanging out with someone who is drunk and “homeless”, it can mean the difference between playing along if someone pretends to be on the wagon, and saying “but I saw you with a beer a few minutes ago.”
With a little kid who says they didn’t take something that they’re holding behind their back, it means not pretending I don’t know the toy is there, if I do. And if I can just acknowledge reality, I don’t feel the need to confront or yell about it. I can just be there in the reality we are both experiencing.
Unconditional Caring & Affection
Rogers calls this “unconditional positive regard.” It means having “a positive, acceptant attitude toward whatever the client is at that moment”, without judgement, disapproval, even “approval.” It means seeing the beauty, the aliveness, in the other person, and honoring that.
The therapist is willing for the client to be whatever immediate feeling is going on — confusion, resentment, fear, anger, courage, love, or pride.
Unconditional means that the person in the therapist, or supportive, role does not have an agenda for who the friend or client is in that moment.
Such caring on the part of the therapist is nonpossessive. The therapist prizes the client in a total rather than a conditional way.
Empathy
Empathic listening and understanding means sensing what the other person is experiencing, and recognizing it as a human experience. It means noticing what kind of experience the person is describing, and communicating that understanding. It means seeing things from the perspective of the friend/client, so that it becomes possible to express understanding of feelings and desires they’re already aware of, but also to help clarify “even those just below the level of awareness.”
We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.
Oh, no problem then.
Ok, so saying “it’s possible to love everyone, all you need is unconditional caring” doesn’t really help much. I’m hoping to go more into that later.
But mostly I wanted to write this because, first, this whole approach to people just curls my toes, I love it so much. I love it. It makes me happy! Like springtime!
And second, because it’s like a secret I keep. It feels like such a big part of me that I wanna share it! I mean, this is my life. I want the world to know it.
When my friends don’t know this about me, I’m lonely. Friendships where this is out in the open feel richer, juicier.
Questions?
My dream is to share love in the world, and this is what I think love looks like. If you have questions or arguments or whatever, I’d love to hear them. It will help me to become better able to talk about this thing that I love. I would very much appreciate it — bring it on!
Posted by Angela under ideas
Saturday, March 13, 2010
3 Comments
I like the part about not having an agenda. It’s interesting that you say, above that, that we are not to judge, disapprove, or even approve! “It means seeing the beauty, the aliveness, in the other person, and honoring that.” Amazing. Beautiful. Then you throw the need for empathy on top of that.
If I could fully live out this kind of love for my husband, then my world would be transformed.
I bet you can come closer than you think. Reaching for it makes all the difference for me, even if I can’t do it perfectly…
Love,
Angela
Well, I don’t always reach for it! LOL
I often pull back from him when he hurts me in some way, and ironically, he usually has no idea that he has hurt me. He hasn’t done it on purpose (not that he never does it on purpose! LOL). Then we have all this distance between us for nothing. It’s stupid, and the longer we go on the harder it is to reconcile each time something goes awry.