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we lost a friend yesterday
We lost a friend Tuesday night. James was stabbed in broad daylight in the park where he lives. And if you don’t know Eugene, please understand that this is not something that happens every day here. We don’t have places where people are killed on a regular basis. We are a pretty quiet town, though that’s changing.
Are pastors supposed to cry when they lose someone? Am I supposed to cry when I talk to his sister, and tell her that her brother is gone? (She asked me about heaven. I told her yes, I am certain that James is with God.)
I’m noticing one of the hardest parts of this is the powerlessness. The police & the news describe him, and my friends, like they’re not really people, but something like intelligent monkeys, whose behavior can be observed and described. They treat me, and his sister, like we’re intelligent monkeys, too. (Every time I work with the police, it feels very weird, because they treat me almost exactly like the “homeless” people I work with. Something in me expects them to see me as “better”, though realizing that makes me wanna puke.)
I’ll post a real obituary soon. James was loved by a lot of people.
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Two more quick things. First, here’s a couple of news links, in case you want to know more. KEZI video, Register Guard story. Second, some of you talk about wanting to come to the park with us. I don’t want to discourage that… these next few weeks will be hard, but love & light is also especially needed right now. If you feel called to come & meet some of my friends, please let me know.
Posted by Angela under stories
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
9 Comments
Darling, as a pastor, you are supposed to cry extra. And I don’t mean that bogus fake-crying thing either. You are a shepherd to this people, and you are called to love them as Christ. You are not wrong to cry. You can’t help it. It is the heart of Jesus in you. Lord, please bring good from this, although right this moment it seems wrong to ask. Amen.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. As a pastor, I cry at almost every loss I’ve ever had, even when the loss was expected. But when it is unexpected and sudden, it is terrible. A punch to the gut. As if something has been torn from your body and you can’t get it back. Work through your grief with your friends, those who know you– don’t try to suppress the tears.
James F. Pelfrey married Elmer Pearl Pelfrey in August of 1964. Both children of coal miners, they moved from rural Alabama to Florida to provide for their children better than they had. James David was the youngest of the Pelfrey children. He attended school through high school and earned techinal skills. He went to his senior prom with his friends. His parents instilled in him and all their children good work ethics and pride in a job well done. In 1991, dad had succumbed to the leukemia he had been battling for nearly 6 years. His children were grown but still young and missed their father even to this day. Mom was devasted. The love of her life gone. Her monthly pension of $188 forced to take a job outside the home. She won an award through Hardee’s being the best bisquit maker in the area. She believed in working hard and being the best you can be. With her youngest son, she cried for him often and for herself. She blamed herself for failing as a parent. There were few happy moments in those years. Mom was happy with the accomplishments and life choices of her other children, but the saddness always seemed the winner. She finally found peace in the fall of 1997. She had died from complications of a car wreck in which she was the passenger. [Yes, she was wearing her seat belt. ] David (James) can only tell you his story. Even after mom died, he was working and earning his own way. In spite of his experiences in prison, I know that in 1998 he was still pursuing a normal life. He was given an opportunity to fresh start in California. He moved west to chase the American dream once again. Being a convicted felon, David(James) had difficulty in finding work. At his last job(that I know about), he fell from some scaffolding and landed so that both his arms needed repairing. He stated that he had pins and needles in both his forearms and no longer had the dexterity to do electrical work. The night of the work accident, his sister Rachel received a phone call from the hospital telling her that he might not make it through the night. His life following his recovery became more transient. Throughout his life, he made irresponsible decisions to his detriment. His actions caused his siblings to think of him as trouble and a pestilence. For the past few years, David got a hold of me. He needed money to pay for a vetinarian bill for a friend’s dog. I called the vet’s office and paid the bill directly. He called again. He lost his ID. I sent him copies of death certificates of mom and dad and enough money to cover the costs of getting proper identification. He continued to call every month, then every couple of weeks, sometimes even every week. We had finally made our peace here on earth. He just wanted to hear a familar voice. He needed to someone to talk to. He had trouble dealing with people and I tried to offer up suggestions on alternative ways of dealing with his issues. He continued to wander from Arizona back through Callifornia and then to Eugene. In April of this year, he called regarding Mr. Bishop. David(James) was unnerved by his death. Two weeks ago, on asunny Florida afternoon, I was sitting on a sidewalk with my friend and her children watching them use chalk to draw on the sidewalk. David called. We exchanged picture messages. That was the last time we spoke. On August 25th, 2009, perhaps there were chalk drawings on a different sidewalk. That night I received a call saying that James didn’t make it. My reaction to this statement was “Where is he now?” That’s when I started to cry. For mom, for me, for my sister Rachel, for his friends, I am still crying. Conversations with Angela and Michelle have allayed my worst fears. I know that he has found peace. May he be remembered always for the good in him.
Thank you for your memeories and sharing. I loved or love David very much. He was a very big part of my life and still is, we have a son together Zackery James Pelfrey born 8/10/02. Me and Dave (David) were together before he left for California. I had hoped that California was going to be good for him. but he never returned to me or Zackery. I have been looking for him for 6 years now. Untill today when i googled his name and came across the news article. Words can not express the shock and sadness that I am feeling.
I do not think David knew how much I cared and still do. My heart is sinking. I just want to thank Angela for speaking with me today.
Please if anyone would like to speak with me Angela has my information.
Ruth, thanks so much for telling us more about James. I was hoping to get a chance to ask you about his childhood soon.
I’m so glad he had you. He talked about you all the time. I know it meant a lot to him that you were in contact.
Dave was my family… Can someone please help my sister and I talk to his family. My nephuew needs to know his father is no longer with us and we would like to get something to remember him by. Please contact me as we are at a loss for words and are crushed by his passing. Thank you. Amy
I spoke with your sister today, Amy (and sent you an email). I’m glad to be in contact with both of you. I’ll send you a picture by email, that I took a few weeks before he died. I’m happy to talk more with either one of you if you like. Grace & peace to you, Angela
Angela, Thank you so much for talking to my sister. We are so heart broken and anything you can send us for his son would be great!
David was my little brother, I loved him very much and will always remember him for all the great things he did. I am still coming to terms with him being taken from us soo soon in his life. I was pleased to hear that the service went well and that david’s friends gathered together to remember him and know he was looking down and smiling. I wanted you to know that today was a great day, we got word that his killer has been brought to justice and will be facing Murder 1 charges and is behind bars.