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Sometimes it’s hard to know how to love
I tweeted recently that I thought I’d met a real psychopath, maybe. It was a difficult experience, and I was probably more shaken than you (if you read the tweet) could know. I’ve been thinking I’d write it up, for real, but I haven’t.
Instead, for those of you who have asked “what happened”, I’m going to paste below an edited chat-log from when I described it to a friend. (Insightful commentary will have to wait until later :P)
–
We were in the park with our friends, and a guy walked up. I got a very creepy feeling from him, like he was really dangerous. Or like he didn’t see me as a person. He said a few words, and spoke to the guy I was talking to, who knew him. As he walked away, the guy said he was a psychopath, which had been my thoughts exactly.
Later, he approached me, and brushed his hand on my cheek. I moved it away and said “please don’t touch me” and he became angry. Well, petulant, not (apparently) violent.
But then Tracy decided to engage with him, you know–heart-of-now style. He did a lot of things to manipulate Tracy, and in the interests of grace and surrender and real connection, Tracy chose to be manipulated. He made lots of hinted threats, and Tracy told me he was going to give the guy a ride.
I was really uneasy, but trying to trust Tracy, trust God, trust love… then my intuition took over and I asked the guy I’d been talking to (a friend who also lives outside, but I trust, and is not so attached to nonviolence as we are…)
I asked him to come along, and he agreed. The psychopath guy didn’t like that. We didn’t make it to the car… Tracy stood on the sidewalk and talked with him for a long time. During that time, the guy pushed down on pressure points and told Tracy he could kill him. He also put his hands firmly around Tracy’s neck. It was very weird, because Tracy was trying to be present with him, and stay attentive. The guy talked aout how much he suffers and how alone he is, and how much he needed to hurt someone.
I stood nearby with L. (the friend) and didn’t realize what was happening.
Tracy was very shaken afterward, and talked like a person who’d been raped.
He wanted to show compassion to this guy (his name is C—-) and he did, really.
But C—- is very very broken.
And this has given me an opportunity to look closely at what it means to be wiling to turn the other cheek, to lay down your life for someone, for love, for God.
I had a lot of thoughts in the hours afterward. What does non-opposition look like? Am I serious about being a pacifist? Surely this isn’t what You meant! Maybe I should consider packing a gun in the park. Oh, God, how do I make this right?
It’s a learning-edge, and I’m grateful for it. But wow, is it hard.
Posted by Angela under stories
Sunday, May 17, 2009
16 Comments
After I wrote this, I talked with the friend in chat again. He asked me if I’d learned anything from the experience. I said:
Not done learning yet. I mean, I could come away saying “Oh, I should be more prudent, avoid situations that could be dangerous.” That’s certainly not the lesson I want to learn!
Then he asked, “What is the lesson that you want to learn?” I wanted to share the answer with y’all, because I know this crazy no-boundaries thing is hard to understand:
I want to learn how to walk in the world without fear, to offer myself fully, authentically, and with love to every moment.
I think that it isn’t the most loving thing to welcome someone’s attempt to kill you, but that cautious, defensive self-protection isn’t the answer either.
I want to see what it looks like to be ready to turn the other cheek, to lay down my life, to present myself for crucifixion when the time is right… and I don’t think it looks like getting in the car with C—-, but I don’t know what it does look like.
I think the answer is somewhere between the extremes of carrying a gun and putting yourself in harm’s way. I always think of how the person who would do the harming would be harmed because of the aftermath of living with doing something violent towards another individual….so I think it is unloving to even the one doing the harming for us to put ourselves in a situation where someone can harm us. I also think of the scripture about being wise as serpents and innocent as doves – it brings up images of living within the tension of nonviolence but with street smarts. (I want to apologize because at first I put my comment in the area to send emails to you – sorry that I wasn’t paying close enough attention)
Wow, Angela, you are really putting yourselves out there for Jesus. I agree with Liz. I think there needs to be balance. Jesus himself slipped away from a lynch mob, even though he allowed himself to be crucified later. I don’t believe turning the other cheek is the same as crucifixion either. I admire Tracy for being so humble and passive, yet there needs to be some boundaries. After all, you need him. Also, I am glad you decided to have the friend come along. Mental illness is not something to toy with, it is serious. Your instincts about his dangerousness were on target, and in your experience of doingn some things right, perhaps some things wrong, God did indeed protect you both, and you learned so much! You will likely continue to discover just what you learned as more time goes by. Or maybe I should say you will continue to learn from this experience for years. We have had similar experiences as well, though none quite as frightening as this one.
Hi, Liz & Theresa,
I know that there are answers that I haven’t figured out/sensed yet. I also know that to just stay out of dangerous situations can’t be all of it, because that would mean throwing away people like C—–. Who will love him? If somebody volunteers, I’ll step aside, but until then, it remains to be done.
But I also see that there is wisdom available to us. None of my ideas were at play when I asked the friend to come. That happened when I listened to what I think of as the voice of the holy spirit–It was simply the right and perfect action to take in that moment.
I am beginning to wonder now if maybe all of our actions were right and perfect in those moments, and in keeping with what God desires for us? Neither of us were harmed, and everybody (including C—-) learned some stuff.
I do know that I don’t want to solve this by shutting off a part of myself, or turning away from love. Neither do I want to increase the pain in the world by playing a violence game with someone like C—-. So, I’ll just keep praying and loving and hoping I don’t get in my own way.
This walk just gets more and more interesting. :-)
I am so proud of you Angela. Both of you. Sounds like God has good soil to work with in you, and you are growing into such a beautiful garden of God’s love and peace. I feel better having read that last bit just then. Thank you so very much for sharing. :-)
What an intense experience. My $0.2: The wise thing to do in this moment was to seek community and that’s what you did. This may be the only guard against attacks when you’re there.
God bless your work!
Opinion alert: Jesus lived between the extremes. Practical. On the ground. Protected himself at times, became violent in the temple after much thought, gave himself up to his killers when the time was right (on the direction of his father and after much agony).
I love you.
@theresa Wow. What a lovely thing to aspire to, being a “garden of God’s love and peace.”
@trupedo_glastic Thanks for that reminder, about community and wisdom being connected.
@ken Your opinion is more than welcome… And yeah. I think you’re right. (And yet, as you know, I’m cautious about it being an excuse to take the easy way. Lots of people might find what you do to be a little extreme. Heh. :) … But yeah. Point taken.
One of the ways our government here in Oregon has failed us, is that it no longer provides mental institutions for those who need them.
Angela, you did the right thing. It’s not what I would have done. Partially because I can identify with the psychopath- I’ve got a similar mental illness, luckily one that doesn’t tend towards violence very often, and when it does, I’m more likely to just hole up at home in a bout of claustrophilia and agoraphobia and self-defense than to go out hunting for somebody to hurt.
But because I know, both sides, I do carry a collapsible cane with me and am not afraid to use it if necessary (Theresa, it’s the one I inherited from Grandma Lyon, one of the two things I really wanted from her). I’ve had to, a few times on MAX in Portland, though usually just showing myself to be armed (taking out the cane, clicking it into place, and leaning on it) is enough to end the problem.
Pacificism cannot be total, until Man is Sinless. Violence will not end until mankind is no longer violent. And there are a few, like me, willing to also fight for justice still in this world.
But you shouldn’t go up against somebody like C—- unless you are both trained, AND prepared to surrender your life to Augustine’s Just War theory, as a minimum (St. Augustine of Hippo wrote that a war can only be considered just if it’s against an invader coming up to you, if you do not chase the invader to take revenge after scaring him off, and if you use weapons that are as likely to harm you as the invader, thus showing love for your enemy).
If you’re not- if you don’t have both the training for self-defense and the willingness to see it through properly and not take revenge- pacifistic escape is the best you can hope for. The rest, is up to God. There are no guarantees in this life, and simply running out and getting a gun can be a worse answer than doing nothing at all.
I am trained in self-defense, Ted, and in the use of firearms. There was a time I would have carried and been willing to defend myself and others.
But that was before I got informed that I belong to another kingdom. I like this world better. :)
If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love.—Matthew 18:15-17 (Message)
Wow. I missed this entirely. Just ran into this, which matches amazingly well what happened. In fact, it matches better than yo know. I didn’t mention it, but after it was over, I felt strongly that I had to go back and tell “the whole church” (such as it is, under the bridge). We did, and ended up staying until after 11. No sign of C—-.
It’s lucky for me there’s a Holy Spirit to whisper these instructions in the ear of someone like me, who doesn’t keep good track of bible studies. :) If we’d been acting on our own ideas, who knows what would have happened?
Sweetie, I just can’t wait to see what God does with you next!
I’m not going to lie, that’s terrifying. I’m sorry that your gut feelings were confirmed, but I’m glad it didn’t go any farther than it did.
It’s impossible to have a blanket statement of advice when dealing with people that give you a funny feeling. Another person like that guy could have received Tracy’s statements and it wouldn’t have ended up with the threat of serious violence. I don’t know if you can know how far to push something until you reach the point where there can be no more.
Hmmn…as usual I agree with Ken Loyd. By the way, here is my address.
@hannah I don’t know either. But you have to remember that it was only terrifying because we chose to go there. We knew full well how to avoid this completely. Not just by staying out of the park, but by avoiding the close-up situation. It was our doing.
@dustin Welcome! Being practical is useful, often, but I’d miss a lot of I were just practical.
Your outreach and efforts to serve in love are awesome.
Wish I could share and join you.
Grace and peace to you,
Jay (a follower of Jesus in Atlanta)