Blogroll
Connect with Us
Wish List
Get the feed
Rated R for Language
This post is about the f-word. Jonathan Brink also blogging on the topic today. Amy Moffitt may too.
“f**k human trafficking.” — Eugene Cho
My sons and I were talking about “dirty words” recently, and someone mentioned that we don’t say the f-word in public. Of course, the littlest one said “Why?” I told him that some people are scared of that word, and they get upset when they hear it. Again, “Why?”
“We don’t know why,” I told him, “but we don’t want to scare them, right?”
It made sense to me at the time, but later, one of the older ones gave me something to think about.
“Actually, my friends are more afraid of people who refuse to say ‘fuck’ than of people who say it.”
I’d never really thought of it that way, but it sure makes sense. Because what are we saying when the f-word is conspicuously absent from our speech? Are we being pious? Setting a “good example”? Demonstrating that we’re better?
What about adults who use the word around other adults, but try to give kids the impression they would never do such a thing?
“Ever notice the look of terror on somebody’s face when they swear in front of a pastor?” — Ken Loyd
What message does it send if my friends who live outside have to clean up their language to speak to me, or to feel “good enough” for me… or for God?
I have experienced what Ken is talking about, and I realized that the only way to get around it was to stop being so damn prissy. It worked. My friends are much more willing to share with me now that I use language that feels normal and common to them (and to me, really).
“Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them.” — Jesus
What does it say to God when we cuss in private, but speak carefully in public? Do we think God doesn’t hear us at home, or wherever we feel “safe” saying “fuck”? Isn’t this what our Brother advises against? Putting on a show to appear holy in public?
“I think we get caught in this idea of pleasing God rather than trusting God. And I think once you learn to trust God, it’s a lot easier to please God.” — Jay Bakker
I think as parents (and as pastors) our job/joy is to reflect God’s love and grace as best we can. I want my kids (and the people who look to me for pastor-stuff) to trust me not to judge them, to trust me to hear what’s really alive in them. Why? Because I think trusting me can help them trust God.
I don’t want them to present a different face to me than they present to other people. I don’t want them to lie to me, or pretend to be something they’re not. I want real connection, and that’s why, when it’s called for, I say “fuck.”
What about you? Do you ever say “fuck”? When? If you don’t, why not?
Posted by Angela under ideas
Monday, May 25, 2009
6 Comments
Angela, without even talking about it you came to the same issue as I did.
I grew up cussing, but never around my folks (who taught me all the creative ways to do it LOL) because they did not permit me to. As a new Christian in a conservative group, cussing was just not pure and we don’t do it. I still think we should strive for purity, but it doesn’t mean the same thing it did then. When I cussed in the privacy of my conversations with my husband, it was taboo. Not anymore, except when I get carried away. Then cussing is a bad thing because I am not being a good steward of my words. Now I am mellowing out and trying to keep it real. But I am uncomfortable with my kids cussing because they will abuse it. I kinda struggle with this post because I know it is important to be real, but would hate to see a bunch of Christians going overboard in this newfound freedom. Moderation is good you know? Balance.
Trying to understand what you mean, here. So if you see Christians sitting around swearing, it kinda creeps you out? Not sure what it means to be a steward of your words.
I just used the word asshole in a conversation with my congregants, and I did it intentionally. The congregants were sister and brother and they love to razz each other. And so while she was lying in the ICU and he was holding her hand and they were calling each other names to break the tension and cheer each other up, I noticed them holding back a little. I joined in the sidelines of their banter and then told a story about the first time I bantered with my husband in front of his parents (calling him an asshole), and how I immediately won the respect of my future in laws. In some families, that’s just how you show you love each other; you’re comfortable enough to pick on each other. My use, there in the hospital room in my full clergy role, of a swear word put them at ease, and I considered that some good pastoral care right there. It wasn’t even that strange a few minutes later when I led them in prayer. We embraced the whole moment, and I was proud of all of us.
Excellent post.
Shalom,
Becca
Oh, and yes, I do use the word fuck when it’s called for, although less often in such settings. But every so often that’s the best word for the job (like, fuck oppression!) or it’s needed to break the tension (-oops, sorry, I know you’re a pastor-type. do you mind if I swear in front of you? – aw, fuck, it doesn’t bother me none!). I *hate* it when people are embarrassed to behave as they normally would because I have shirts with funny collars.
Becca
Hi, Becca. Nice to meet you!
I don’t have a collar, but I know what you mean. I’ll do whatever I need to to indicate that it’s ok to be yourself. Not least because I’m not perfect, and people thinking they have to be perfect around me sets them up for disappointment when they discover I’m just another dumb fuck, just like them! … Ok, that’s my last “fuck” online, at least until it’s called for. :)
One Trackback
[...] friend Angela Harms joined me in this mini subversive Synchroblog. Please visit her post: Rated R For Language. Category: Conflict, Creative, [...]